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Consider the Gilbert...

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Feb. 10th, 2008 | 11:30 pm

It was warm today, almost like summer. I wore sandals most of the morning. Gilbert has been in a good mood all day, even though he's had little to eat. I envy him. He is very much the way I would like to be. He is quite bold and faces anything without batting an eye. He is also very articulate in his way, and always expresses himself charmingly in "words" that are very pleasing. And he isn't afraid to play. I remember I used to like to play. But these days I have grown selfish, and I'm always thinking that others will take advantage of me if I have too much fun. I don't know when this tightness crept in. Not long ago someone was discussing roots of bitterness and why they might take hold in the first place. I don't believe that I'm bitter, but perhaps something like it. There must be something I am holding on to that makes it so difficult to enjoy little things. It seems the only time I enjoy myself is with children or animals, and then only because I imagine them too innocent to "use my fun against me." My, how very neurotic I am becoming, and how very sad it will be to go on like this much longer.

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